Dear... (Insert Name/Title Here)
I realize it is the wrong time of year to be bringing up such matters as this, but after winter comes spring, and with it will come one of the more... distasteful attributes of this issue. So here it goes.
I live in Spencer, it's a small rural community between Van Etten and Candor, and about 23 miles from Ithaca. It's a pretty nice town, there's a supermarket, gas station, a few churches, pizza place and bank. Your typical upstate New York town. Unfortunately, in the center of town just across from the super market is Nichols Pond. I suppose it must have been pretty nice originally, but now it is merely an eyesore. The surface of the pond is coated in algae, the spread of which is only slightly ebbed by the fountain that was recently put in. No one goes in the pond due to the fact that it is in dire need of a good dredging, and in the spring time the nearby school playground stinks from the dead fish floating on the surface and collecting near the banks.
I realize that funding for such a clean up is not easy to come by, but I think it would be beneficial to the town if it were to be done. We can spend millions on unnecessary additions to the school, but naught on the cleanliness of the town?
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4 comments:
I think the pathos appeal shows strongly in your argument. That's good, I think.
[Please don't delete this posting.]
I realize it is the wrong time of year to be bringing up such matters as this
--> I realize this may not be the best time of year to raise such matters,
of this issue
--> [not clear]
So here it goes.
-->So here goes!
[This opening seems like a waste of words. For one thing, planning must occur well before implementation. Also, the time to work on a pond may not be when it is already fetid.]
I live in Spencer, it's a small rural community
-->[Comma splice] I live in Spencer, a small rural community
Candor, and about 23 miles from Ithaca.
-->Candor, about 23 miles from Ithaca.
It's a pretty nice town, there's
-->[Comma splice]
pizza place and bank.
-->a pizza joint//shop, and a bank.
Your typical upstate New York town.
-->[Fragment, but stylistically justifiable.]
super market
-->supermarket
ebbed by the fountain
-->disturbed by the fountain
that was recently put in.
-->that was recently installed.
No one goes in the pond
-->No one wades//sets foot in the pond
and in the spring time the nearby school playground stinks from the dead fish floating on the surface and collecting near the banks.
--> and in the spring the sting of dead fish wafts over the nearby school playground.
I realize that funding for such a clean up is not easy to come by,
-->I realize a pond clean-up may b expensive,
but I think it would be beneficial to the town if it were to be done.
-->[What is the antecedent of "it"? "Funding"? The pronoun should not refer to a possessive noun or a noun embedded in a prepositional phrase. See OH 44c.]
but I think this project should be a high priority.
We can spend millions on unnecessary additions to the school, but naught on the cleanliness of the town?
-->[Not really a question. "Naught" is not effectively deployed in this sentence. You weaken your argument by raising a new and invidious comparison at the very end.]
Wow. What an editor. (Anything wrong with that comment?)
In response to Jennifer: I really don't believe there is such a thing as a worthwhile comment on an assignment, lest it be from the instructor.
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